It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  I’ve dealt with an eating disorder since I was 13 years old.  I recovered, relapsed and am recovering again.  I’ve been working with a therapist, and she shared with me the idea of 10 phases of eating disorder recovery.

Eating disorder recovery takes TIME.  It’s not something you can rush.  There’s the physical recovery, but the mental recovery is what (usually) takes longer.   These are the 10 phases of eating disorder recovery as I experienced them, with thoughts and pictures from the way.  PLEASE note, that my thoughts were NOT healthy.  I can say that now, but in the thick of these phases they were my truths, my reality.

10 Phases of Eating Disorder Recovery

1. I Don’t Have a Problem

Circa January 2013.  “So what if I am rapidly losing weight? I can’t really eat during the day, I’m too busy teaching.  So what if I have to log all my food into MyFitness Pal before I take a bite?  I am running a lot more, and I needed to track my calories and my body fat to make sure I’m being healthy. So what if I do finger exercises under the table as I am waiting for food at a restaurant? Or if I do hundreds of jumping jacks in my bedroom before bed? I have a lot of pent-up energy.  There’s nothing to be worried about.”

2. I Might Have a Problem But It’s Not Bad

Circa October 2013.  “I mean, yes, I’ve lost 20 pounds so far this year, but it’s just the stress of being a teacher.  Besides, PLENTY of other people lose more weight than that.  Haven’t you heard of The Biggest Loser?  According to the body fat Caliper I bought, my BMI is still high.  And, I could afford to lose some weight, I am a runner after all.  The lighter you are, the less weight you have to carry, so the faster you can go.”

3. I Have a Problem But I Don’t Care

Circa April 2014.  “I know that I am not really eating that much, but I just qualified for the Boston Marathon.  That’s been my dream!  Clearly I’m fine if I can do that.  Well no, I’m not getting a period anymore, but I Googled that and it’s a common symptom for female athletes.  I’m well within normal.  In fact, I need to keep doing what I am doing – I’m running the Chicago Marathon this year and I want to get even faster.”

4. I Want To Change But I Don’t Know How

My birthday, September 2014.   I had a complete sobbing breakdown in my mom’s arms when she and my brother came to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  The thought of going out to eat was the last thing I wanted to do.  What had started off small and innocent had snowballed into a massive eating disorder that was taking over my life.  My mom insisted we go out to dinner.  It was my birthday and she wanted to celebrate my life.  We went to Stir Crazy and I logged what I ate: 5 pieces of broccoli, 2 ears of baby corn, 5 noodles, 5 pieces of tofu, 3 carrots, and 6 pea shoots.  26 bites on my 26th birthday.  I threw out the cake my mom bought me.

5. I Tried to Change But I Couldn’t

Circa March 2015.  “I went to therapy like my mom asked but the woman was awful.  I felt so uncomfortable.  And I tried to eat ice cream but it made me want to throw up and cry.  I’m just stuck like this, what’s the point of trying to change? I won’t get better.  Let me just focus on running, this is what it is.  In fact, I’m going to sign up for more races.” 

6. I Can Stop Some of the Behaviors But Not All of Them

Circa October 2015.  By this time, I had been seeing a new therapist for six months.  Instead of tracking total calories, I was working on just making sure I got enough units of food.  9 fat units, 7 protein units, 6 carb units, 6 vegetable units, 3 fruit units and a dairy unit (that was more like a “calcium” unit since I was vegan by now).  I had a notebook where I wrote everything down.  It felt like homework in a way, checking off each little box as I went through the day.  My eating was slightly improving, but I would barely eat unless I ran.  I never ate much on my runs either, hence some major bonking in races.  Plus, I kept signing up for more races in 2016.  This stage takes SO much time.  One step forward, five steps back.

7. I Can Stop the Behaviors But Not The Thoughts

Circa May 2016. “Fine, logical brain, are you happy?  I’ve thrown out my kitchen scale.  I don’t obsessively weigh my meals anymore.  How the hell am I going to know how many calories I’m eating?  I’ve increased my calories and I’m cooking a lot more food and experimenting with recipes.  But this is so scary.  It’s ok, breathe, Becca….. [in the next minute] You’re looking a bit fat, maybe you should run some more.  You do want to get that PR don’t you? Definitely sign up for more strength classes with ClassPass.  And double up on November Project workouts.  But still eat.  Only a little.”  

This stage is basically Eating Disorder Limbo.  I dwelled in it for a very long time, not seeing much progress, or at least not thinking that I was making much progress.  I was almost robotic in my eating.  It was all automatic, I still had the thoughts and the fears of gaining weight.  There were two people living inside of me: the logical brain and the eating disorder brain.  I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

8. I Am Often Free From the Behaviors and Thoughts, But Not All the Time

Circa February 2017.  “Hmm, I’ve been doing a great job with nutrition.  I’ve gotten comfortable in the kitchen and have created a lot of healthier recipes.  I actually really ENJOY being in the kitchen!  2016 I focused on good nutrition and I got a PR in every distance I raced.  Maybe this whole “food is fuel” thing is actually true.  But, maybe I’ve been doing too good of a job.  I do feel a bit heavy and pudgy.  My running might start to suffer if I gain more weight.  I bet that while I’m in Tokyo I can lose some weight.  I mean, I won’t let myself lose too much.  But I’ve been gaining weight steadily for a while now, I’m kinda looking bulky.” 

My oh shit post, after coming home and seeing how much weight I lost.  This phase of eating disorder recovery is also a tricky and lengthy one.  You can’t rush the mind.

9. I Am Free From Behaviors and Thoughts

Circa February 2018.  Me leaving a restaurant with some friends.  “Wait… I didn’t worry about the food at all… I just ordered something, ate it, and focused on the conversation and hanging out with my friends… oh my gosh.  In fact, I haven’t thought about counting my calories or weighing myself in… in… a few months!  I can look in the mirror and be ok with what I see.”  This realization was intoxicating.

For me, training for an ultra marathon last year actually helped a lot, because I KNEW I had to eat to go that far. 50 miles was a big enough number where even my eating disorder brain was ok with eating.  Having that focus for 2017 helped me shift to the mindset of “food is fuel.”  While my eating disorder brain flared up during the holidays, so far 2018 has been a LOT better.

10. I Am Recovered

Almost.  I still have not been able to bring myself to buy new pants.  I’m a bit afraid to see that I am not a triple zero anymore.  I still have days where I miss a meal, but it’s not intentional anymore.  I can string weeks at a time together without any issues, but then a day will come where I fall off the wagon.  Soon I will be here.  And it will be glorious.

During this Eating Disorder Awareness Week it’s time to change the conversation we have.  Our culture has a very strange and complicated relationship with food, body image, exercise, and appearance.  These aren’t issues that will change over night; recovering from an eating disorder takes TIME.

To those of you struggling with this, there are lots of resources out there.  You’re not alone. Wherever you are along this eating disorder spectrum know that you can get better.  To those of you who know someone struggling, remember that they have to move through these phases at their own pace.  They have to be willing to change, and need to do both the physical and mental work.  If you try to rush the mental like I did, you run the risk of relapse, like I did.  Just be there with love and support.

Stay positive,

Becca