Welcome to the Weekly Wrap!  It’s my Berlin Marathon Training Week 9 saga.   Being injured sucks.  Linking up with Holly and Wendy for this Weekly Wrap and Patty, Erika, and Marcia for Tuesdays on the Run!

On Monday, I went to do a tempo run.  Normally, I don’t do any speed on Monday. However, as I hoped to run the November Project Sunrise 6k on Wednesday, my coach shifted around my plans. I felt kind of tight and achy going into it, but just thought that it was a Monday feeling.

With one mile to go, my left quad, hamstring, adductor and knee all tightened up.  Have you ever been stung by a bee?  It was that same tightening and warm radiating sensation, with a feeling of being pinched right where at underwear inseam. I actually looked down at my shorts and shook them to see if a bee flew out. I thought, “You can run through this, it’s a good practice of being comfortable with the uncomfortable.”  That was stupid.  It tightened up so much that when I went to start my cool down, I almost collapsed on the 606.  I couldn’t put ANY weight on the left leg.  Oh shit.

So I hobbled back to EDGE and immediately hopped in the ice bath.  I had no idea what had just happened to me.  Did I pull a muscle?  Did I tear something?  What the hell is going on?  I limped around getting ready for work, my stress level rising.  I was scared.  Freaking out.  And useless at work.  I spent the morning meeting going down a rabbit hole of WebMD “What does a pulled hamstring feel like? What does a torn muscle feel like?” Every hour, I took long bathroom break to calm myself down and stop myself from crying in the office because it’s an open floor plan and I didn’t want any attention.

On Tuesday, I was still limping.  Obviously if walking caused me to limp, running was out of the question.   But what about my other workouts this week?  What about the Rock n Roll half next weekend? WHAT ABOUT BERLIN? Luckily, Dr Ryan had an appointment opening.  After examining and dry needling, he said it was most likely a muscle issue but there was a possibility of a stress fracture.  If it didn’t get any better by the time the weekend rolled around, that would be an indication of something in the bone.

Now my brain was screaming, “OH DEAR LORD, DO I HAVE A STRESS FRACTURE?!” I don’t handle “what ifs” very well.  My negative thought spiral just tightened and tightened around me, suffocating any productivity for the rest of the day.  I was a total weepy mess.

Honestly, for the rest of the week, I was a total weepy mess.  My biggest fear is breaking a bone and not being able to run.  For years, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. Everyone always said that being underweight and restricting my eating would cause my bones to weaken.  I never listened.  But now that I am better and eating normally, the possibility that I DID cause damage for all those years and that it’s only NOW rearing its ugly head took all the wind out of me.

The thought, “I’ve finally KICKED the eating disorder, why do I have to pay for it now?” haunted me for the rest of the week.  Rehabbing a stress fracture can take months. The thought of not being able to run for a few months feels like the world is ending.  My skin crawls and I get this jumpy tension inside of me, like something is screaming trying to get out.  I identify as a runner. How can I not run?! 

After three days of rest, my limping subsided.  Commuting on a Divvy bike, walking, going up and down stairs, and rehab exercises felt ok.  Coach suggested a 2 mile test run on the treadmill Friday.  I allowed myself some hope.  After a .25mi walking warmup, I attempted to run and immediately felt some discomfort and pain.  No sharp pains, but a definite pounding sensation in my pelvis.   In order to finish and get some sense of “I worked out today,” it became a walk-run.  Not what I was hoping for.  Logically, I know that recovery from an injury takes time. It was only four days!  Yet, I was still crushed, expecting myself to somehow heal faster.  Why can’t I be Superman?

The disappointment set me off into a negative mood for the rest of Friday.  At work, I burst into tears in front of my CEO when he asked if I was limping.  I kept thinking, “If it still hurts to run, what if it is a stress fracture?”  I made an appointment for next week to get it checked out.  Even if I am overreacting, I need the peace of mind.

But, for now, no running, just rest.  I’m trying, trying, to accept that and be ok with that.  Stressing about my lack of exercises will not do my body any good.  In fact, it will probably delay my recovery.  Luckily, I have some pretty wonderful people in my life to help take my mind off it.  Nez schooled me in pool.  Robyn got me excited about taking some spinning classes.  Some friends and I celebrated at Kaitlyn’s bridal shower.  I organized November Project’s annual ice cream bike crawl.  And my mom has been on speed dial all week long.

It’s now Sunday night and I’m feeling better.  This week I will probably still cry.  A lot.  I will probably still have to stare down my eating disorder and keep her from winning this week.  And I will probably go down more WebMD rabbit holes.  But I also will focus on what I CAN do.  I can still do strength classes.  I can still bike without pain.  I am still Becca even though I can’t run.

Happy running rehabbing,

Becca